Not Going to Happen
by Ender The Time Lady
Summary: Because the whole 'Teenager madly in love with toddler/baby' thing isn't creepy at all, and will never, ever, cause problems. Thank the gods, I don't own Stephanie Meyers, horrible, horrible creation. Enjoy! T for swearing.


Not Going to Happen

AN: Because the whole 'Teenager madly in love with toddler/baby' thing isn't creepy at all, and will never, ever, cause problems.

Renesmee (Who the fuck names their kid that?)

"Jacob, what are you doing."

"Uhh... nothing."

"I'm seven, get your hand off my ass."

"But.. but you look like a 19 year old!"

"But I'm still seven. And you're like, twenty years older than me. Seriously, can you say pedophile?"

"You're my imprint!"

"So let me get this straight. I'm supposed to fuck you for the rest of my life, marry you, have your kids, etcetera, and I have no say in the matter because I'm your weird freaky magic dream girl?"

"Pretty much. Wanna go make out?"

"... You have five minuets to pack your things and leave before I call Aunt Rosalie on you."

"WHAT! But.. but Nessie!"

"Don't call me that! It's a fucking retarded name! Mom was all high on being a vampire when she named me, so I have a pretty shitty name. And Dad rolled over and allowed it, although I have no idea why, seeing as he controls Moms every move. But seriously, just call me Carly. It's a normal name, and it won't get me beaten up."

"Oh no you don't. We're going to make out, and then we'll fuck, and then we'll date, then you'll become pregnant, we'll marry, and live happily ever after with our kids, whether you like it or not!"

"AUNT ROSALIE HELP JACOBS TRYING TO RAPE ME!"

Claire

"Okay, I'm not sure I fully understand this. Mind explaining?"

"Shoot."

"I grew up with you as like, my brother or uncle or something, yeah?"

"Yup."

"And you only bothered because I'm your imprint?"

"Yes- no! Not like that at all... well, okay, yeah."

"And I could have been the worlds biggest bitch, and you wouldn't have given a damn?"

"Not really."

"And now I'm supposed to fuck you and have little wolf-babies?"

"Pretty much."

"Yeah, that's not gonna happen."  
"What! But- Claire!"

"Sorry Quil, but you're pretty much my brother. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm having coffee with Carly in a bit."

"Who the fuck is Carly?"

"Renesmee. She finally realized that her name's retarded after she started highschool and everyone stared laughing their asses off at it. So she goes by her actually normal middle name now. Let me tell you, her parents were pissed."

"Okay then..."

"Bye Quil. Don't worry, we can still be friends if you want. But never, ever bring this up again unless you want a restraining order."

"Bye Claire... Still up for pizza night with the pack?"

"Nah, I think they'd be pretty pissed with me. Laters!"

Coffee

"So Jacob started grabbing my ass, and then he almost raped me!"

"Dude, that's horrible! He actually expected you to go along with it?"

"He really did!"

"Damn, that's rough. I'm guessing your family beat the shit out of him?"

"Mom and dad were considering biting him."

"Wow. Quil just looked all depressed, like I had chucked his puppy off a cliff or something. He didn't try to fuck me after I said no!"

"It's probably an Alpha thing, you know? Alpha's usually have egos the size of Texas, bet he took it as an insult and figured, 'Bitch I will get my way!"

"Yeah, that sounds accurate. I have to go now, dad's freaking obssesed with knowing where I am at all times. Hell, he even watches me sleep! I told mom, and apparantly that's how he expresses love. By doing creepy illegal things and being overcontroling. I'm studying psychology and stuff, and apparantly that's a huge sing of abuse."

"Go figure. You can crash at my place if you ever need to get away."

"Thanks Claire! You're a lifesaver!"

"Not a problem Carly. You're pretty cool for a seven year old!"

"Thanks, I think. So we both we're imprinted on as babies, and kinda said 'Fuck you I do what I want' to the wolves. We should start a club."

"Might take a while to get members."

"I ain't going anywhere."

"Although Leah's imprint is like, eight. I think he might join in a few years."

"Sounds sweet."

"Yup."

"Well, bye!"

"Bye."

AN: Feel free to flame the shit out of this if you want, I know Jacob is mildly OOC in the end of his part. Brief warning though, I have logic, and a hatred of Twilight. So if you're obsessed, I may crush your weird dreams of screwing Edward or something.


End file.
